No cheese, please!

I know what you’re thinking.  “No” and “cheese” in the same sentence?  Whaaa?

Actually, it’s quite common for me.  For the foodie friends who have dined with me before, I’m sure you have heard me utter this phrase: “Can I get that with no cheese, please?”

And the subsequent conversation would go something like this:

“You don’t like cheese?”

“I don’t like cheese.”

“What about on hamburgers?”

“Nope.”

“Tacos?”

“No.”

“Pizza?”

“Well, on pizza is okay.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

And to be honest, having cheese on pizza isn’t really okay.  I would be particularly grateful for the pizzas that were extra saucy or had lots of toppings to mask the nasty cheesy taste.  And if, God forbid, I had a particularly cheesy bite, I would swallow it to get rid of that taste ASAP.  And then probably gag a little bit after.

And why do I subject myself to such torture, you ask?  Well, it’s hard to explain.  I have come to accept the fact that cheese is just an integral part of pizza.  I have come to think that pizza without cheese is like trail mix without pretzels or jellybeans without the licorice ones.  Cheese, pretzels, and licorice all suck, but they’re just automatically a part of the whole. (Actually, pretzels are not bad.  People shouldn’t hate on pretzels.  Salt-free and whole grain pretzels are actually a good low-calorie snack.)

But alas, this was all before I ventured into the world of Neapolitan pizzas.  The first time I wandered into Famoso, I was prepared to scour the menu for the pizza with the most toppings and ask for extra sauce if need be.  But then my eyes fell onto this one magical word: Marinara.  A pizza with marinara sauce, garlic, basil, and olive oil.  And then in bold: No cheese.

Did my eyes deceive me?  No.  I actually did some research ( ie. went on Wikipedia) and discovered that one of the official variants of Neapolitan pizzas was the pizza marinara, which has no cheese.  I have no reason to feel guilty because I’m not compromising the integrity of the pizza.  It’s already made with no cheese to begin with.  I finally found my holy pizza grail!

That’s right, my friends.  When you next ask me if cheese on pizza is okay, I will reply, “No, cheese on pizza is not okay!” I will gladly take your sneers and jeers because I finally do not to have to force myself to choke down anymore of that nasty cheesiness.

Also, Parmesan tastes like puke.  There’s actually a scientific reason behind it!

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